No running today. I am sore in the typical places - the legs, the arse, my feet are bit beat up, and the always interesting odd soreness in the arms and neck that one can get from a long race like Pikes. I'll probably start jogging in the next day or two. Not because I am training for anything but just because it is that space I seek. I'll justify it as some sort of movement to help recovery, but really, I just like to do it. It gives me a space. Sometimes to think about things, and other times to think about nothing.
In past years I have been particularly contemplative post this race. As there was little mental fanfare leading up to this one for me, I am not overly thoughtful about this one either. Of course, there is some consideration of "hmm, so if next year ... " sort of stuff. But plenty of time for that later.
I have been giving some thought to how my head floated around on this trip. Early on I had lots of feelings of doubt, considering how many tacos I had ate in Tijuana the week before, the lack of specific training, how I was older now, blah, blah, blah. In other words, a lot of excuses, a lot of negative crap. The Q word even floated in there. Of course, you just grind on. You push those thoughts aside and try to focus on getting to that next aide station, that next course marker or sometimes even that next tree or rock.
For significant periods of time in the race, I found myself in a bit of a dark space - face to face with a lot of me that I am not happy with, and struggle with ... not even in running races like this but as a person and choices I have made. I mean, I do contemplate this sort of stuff in regular life anyway, but this came at me in more clear and undeniable sort of fashion.'
And oddly, I found this is exactly where I wanted to be. The race had set up a mirror for me for a short period to consider these and how I want to deal with them. I recognized that it was not what I expected to happen while climbing this mountain, but it was exactly what I wanted at that time. I got what I signed up for. As silly and cheesy as it sounds, I wanted to grip it a bit, because it felt true and transparent with myself, perhaps adult more than child.
I have had a few inquiries in the last couple of days as to why I do this -- specifically, why do you feel compelled to beat yourself up that way? Couldn't you just run this thing and just keep it fun? How many more years before you stop doing this?
In some ways I struggle with these questions as much now as I did when I was asked by fellow students in high school, "why do you run?" I can still give those same answers of how it makes me feel strong and healthy and the runners high and how I get to enjoy the outdoors. And they are true of course, but there are answers I still can't describe even after doing this for 40 years.
I don't know. No answers on that really. Sometimes I feel the answer is just that I do it because I can. And to not do it would be a waste.
I'm glad I have it.
Great post. I too went round and round with many of the same themes, reflections, contemplations on and off the hill, for better or worse. I really went round and round with athletic achievement and how it relates to self worth and fulfillment, why it matters so much, yet simultaneously so little and what my true motivations are. Thought about just bagging the whole thing several times, but the nature of the course (thankfully) makes that nearly impossible, or at least highly improbable. Now back in the routine at the office, being back up on the hill does not sound so bad. I don't think I will be back to Pikes, but am already conjuring new challenges in my mind.
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