Chapman’s The Five Love Languages

I finished Gary Chapman’s “The Five Love Languages.”

This one came out in 1996 – so yeah, I am catching up.  TZ has mentioned this book quite a bit over the years, and it recently has come up in different circles of conversation.  I figured it was time for me to get it done.

The basic premise is that we have five languages of love – words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, gifts, and physical touch.  Chapman breaks each of these down through the chapters with stories of couples who were “in love” in their early years – and were potentially unconscious of how they were providing the love that their partner needed – but then go through a period of struggle as the relationship moves from in the infatuation love to the love of a long term connection.  By providing to your partner’s love language, you strengthen the relationship.

It was a quick read and so I exceeded the 20PAD goal.  I found it interesting and thought provoking.  I do find I struggle with texts that define a model off two question tests (do you like to hold your partner’s hand or do you like to hear feedback as to how wonderful you are from your partner) … I have struggled with this in the business setting with the various DISC and personality assessments.  I just don’t care for the “oh you are a blue” sort of categorization that comes out of these things – and similarly, I find the idea that you are a primary at some love language a bit off.  We are actually best when we leverage all the languages in the context that is appropriate for a partner, a friend, a co-worker, a child, a neighbor … and in the setting that is right (what you do to demonstrate love at a funeral to the bereaved is different than what you provide to a kid on the XC team after an XC meet but they are both love). 

All that said, I appreciate the model (George Box said “all models are wrong but some are useful”) and if force to subscribe to what my language is it is “words of affirmation.”  An interesting principle I have heard folks discuss that is not covered in the book is that you are most responsive to receiving a type of language, and you are also most likely to give or “communicate” back in one.  What is interesting is that these might not be the same language – or disconnect on what is being provided versus expected.  \

I’m not sure what is up next.  I have several Audible books in the queue that I need to work through so I might need to modify my 20PAD a day goal to some number of minutes that I listen to stuff.